🔗 Share this article Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again. Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused. Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.